Mission Statement

I want to say that I’m not sure what I want this particular blog to be about. That is, like so many other things I say, a lie. If I really weren’t sure, I would continue blogging on social networking sites instead of trying to find a nice, quiet corner of the internet.
I guess what I’m trying to accomplish is a place to put all the flotsam and jetsam in my head. Social networking sites are great when you have only a small thought to share, but my thoughts are very often navel gazing essays on everything from weight loss to social adjustment in an otherwise apathetic world. I need a place to put the big thoughts and I’ve never really been one for keeping private journals.
I have a hope and a wish to connect with other people and be understood too. I have this effect on people: When I’m around you think of me and when I’m gone I’m gone from your thoughts as well. Sometimes I want to run in the street screaming, “I don’t disappear when you don’t see me!” I am disturbed that this seems to be the way the world views me. They seem to think I have secret pockets of secret friends, or maybe that I’m perfectly okay on my own. Maybe they don’t think of me at all. I can’t help but think that it’s my fault this is so. I’ve pushed away countless chances at meaningful relationships. Honestly after everything I’m not really sure, and all I know is that I’m tired of it. I could go over a thousand mistakes in my past. I could relive every horrific awkward moment of my childhood (and there are many), but I realize I’ve done that, and the only other thing to do now is try to undo the damage and stop hiding from everyone, then wondering why I’m so lonely. To stop assuming no one wants to hang out with me and realize that they might actually think I don’t want to hang out with them. To try, despite instinct, to live in the present. To stop dreaming about when I’m going to live my life and start living it…right now.
I need and desire to start living in the moment and dealing with my shit so I can finally start having meaningful friendships with others. I wish that making that decision was all it took. I know there are going to be setbacks and failures as I try to undo many years worth of habit.
When you spend ten years alone you get a real sense of who you are.
I know who I am and now the real question is: What am I going to do with it?

I suppose this blog is really about that journey…with a few meanderings as always.