This is mostly me venting.
Me:
So as you can see from my resume, we have almost everything in common, so I think I would be an ideal candidate for this position.
Interviewer:
Yes I see that… You’re not very good-looking though, are you?
Me:
I suppose not, but I believe that might be an advantage. I’ve compensated by focusing my energies into developing a stellar personality. Because of my looks, I also don’t have the high-standards that usually come with this type of personality and skill set. I also fit your needs in every other respect.
Interviewer:
Yes, I see that (sucks on teeth) but we don’t usually accept applicants that aren’t good-looking. Is there anything else you can present?
Me:
Well I’ve been single for a long time. This time alone has made me very self-sufficient and independent. As a result, I’m relatively easy-going and low-maintenance. Also, I‘m not overly clingy or jealous.
Interviewer:
Right… Do you think that you may become better looking in the future?
Me:
That’s hard to say, I suppose that it is a possibility.
Interviewer:
I see. Well we aren’t currently in the market for your particular type. We will keep your application on file. Should you become better looking, please don’t hesitate to call us. Based on your personality set, I’m sure you’ll have no problem getting a position as someone’s girlfriend. Remember it’s nothing personal. Good luck in your search.
Me:
Thank you for taking the time to interview me for the position.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Professor X's life must have sucked!
Did you ever wish you could read minds? You would know what everyone was thinking, all the time. The trouble with that is you would know what everyone was thinking, all the time, even the stuff you’re better off not knowing.
This was illustrated to me yesterday when I was invited to read a private conversation. In this conversation, one of the parties referred to me physically as “gross.”
In their defense, I’m sure that they never expected that the other person would show that conversation to me. I am almost positive that they would never say something like that to my face.
In my defense I would never ever consider dating this person anyway, so it’s sort of a moot point.
My initial reaction was one of anger: “If he thinks I’m gross, he’s no prize either! I’m crazy awesome, and he’s a self-important man-child with the personality of a bag of shit! Who does he think he is anyway?”
Technically speaking this is correct: I am awesome, and his opinion of me isn’t important, nor is it accurate.
But we all have our self doubts. They worm into your ear and infect your brain when you least expect it. Your confidence is a house of cards, sometimes the wrong word can knock it all down. Like when you’ve been insulted, and the insult is about something you’re already self-conscious about.
How I really felt started to creep in, past all defenses as my anger dwindled away:
“Gross? Gross?! I mean I’m not a fucking super-model or anything, but gross? I’m just overweight, not the elephant man!”
“What if he’s right, what if I am gross? What if that’s what everyone thinks of me, but they’re not saying it?”
“No, you’re being stupid, he’s one looks-obsessed douche bag. Now go to sleep.”
“Yeah, but he’s looks-obsessed, so based purely on looks, I’m really not attractive at all.”
“Oh my god stop being stupid and go to sleep.”
“I can’t, my foot hurts.”
“Take some ibuprofen and stop bitching.”
“Fine.”
A few minutes later…
“Gross…?”
Honestly, while I know I’m of value, I’m insecure. In that way I’m like almost everyone. In retrospect, I really wish I never read that conversation. My friend wasn’t trying to hurt me by showing it to me. In her eyes I’m sure I’m an emotional juggernaut. But insults, even by those that don’t matter, are like infections, and they spread to the mind. Luckily I am an emotional juggernaut, so I’ll recover.
In the end we don’t really want to know what everyone is thinking. We would hear some very fantastic things. We’d also hear things that would devastate us, frighten us, and sometimes sicken us. We’d hear all those things that people think but don’t say because they don’t think you need to know.
And usually, they are right.
This was illustrated to me yesterday when I was invited to read a private conversation. In this conversation, one of the parties referred to me physically as “gross.”
In their defense, I’m sure that they never expected that the other person would show that conversation to me. I am almost positive that they would never say something like that to my face.
In my defense I would never ever consider dating this person anyway, so it’s sort of a moot point.
My initial reaction was one of anger: “If he thinks I’m gross, he’s no prize either! I’m crazy awesome, and he’s a self-important man-child with the personality of a bag of shit! Who does he think he is anyway?”
Technically speaking this is correct: I am awesome, and his opinion of me isn’t important, nor is it accurate.
But we all have our self doubts. They worm into your ear and infect your brain when you least expect it. Your confidence is a house of cards, sometimes the wrong word can knock it all down. Like when you’ve been insulted, and the insult is about something you’re already self-conscious about.
How I really felt started to creep in, past all defenses as my anger dwindled away:
“Gross? Gross?! I mean I’m not a fucking super-model or anything, but gross? I’m just overweight, not the elephant man!”
“What if he’s right, what if I am gross? What if that’s what everyone thinks of me, but they’re not saying it?”
“No, you’re being stupid, he’s one looks-obsessed douche bag. Now go to sleep.”
“Yeah, but he’s looks-obsessed, so based purely on looks, I’m really not attractive at all.”
“Oh my god stop being stupid and go to sleep.”
“I can’t, my foot hurts.”
“Take some ibuprofen and stop bitching.”
“Fine.”
A few minutes later…
“Gross…?”
Honestly, while I know I’m of value, I’m insecure. In that way I’m like almost everyone. In retrospect, I really wish I never read that conversation. My friend wasn’t trying to hurt me by showing it to me. In her eyes I’m sure I’m an emotional juggernaut. But insults, even by those that don’t matter, are like infections, and they spread to the mind. Luckily I am an emotional juggernaut, so I’ll recover.
In the end we don’t really want to know what everyone is thinking. We would hear some very fantastic things. We’d also hear things that would devastate us, frighten us, and sometimes sicken us. We’d hear all those things that people think but don’t say because they don’t think you need to know.
And usually, they are right.
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